work.......................one second

I just made Editor-in -cheif!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! will give y'all d gist later...............

this is something culled from my column in the mag. which i write for.

It is imperative to note that Relationship Writers sooner loose the trusted friends that they have because we end up using their stories for the benefit of you the readers, this is not done out of spite or lack of things to do or write, it’s just that “MAN MUST WACK” and the economy as we know it now, isn’t what it used to be, so there is no FINE LOOKING, YOUNG, FRESH AND EXTREMELY RICH GENTLEMAN out there who will be willing to foot my bills, without me “FOOTING HIS BILLS”(if you know what I mean) so my dear friends, I can’t begin to express the depth of the love which i have for you, but I’ve got to use your stories so that i don’t end up living in the streets, so ABEG make una no vex, without this your sister is going to be homeless, but I promise you, once i continue in this pace for the next 4 years, ill reward you all with those fantasies which we Have always had (i cross my heart).

OK, moving on, back to my to the Subject matter, I have a friend of mine who pinged me (for the benefit of those who don’t understand what pinged is, this is the past tense of ping, which is the software which allows people like me keep up with Gossip from all over the globe using the blackberry device: with the way gist gets to places through this device, you would think that CNN was becoming extinct), asking me if she was brain damaged, to have broken up with her boy-friend of 5years. For a minute I’m taken aback by what she asks, because the last time I checked I was a young –steady-climbing –up-the-prongs-of-the-ladder-of-success-in-the-very-interesting-world-of-media. So I was seriously wondering where the part in which I had to analyse her mental state came in. Finally I call her, because this kind of gist can’t be fully analyzed with pinging alone, then I get her to calm down and finally talk to me in English,(because when I called her, im sure her mind mistook me for the shrink, which to me she should have seen, since the first day she started dating that rogue, but I don’t tell her this; then she complicates issues by mixing the little she knows of igbo, conk Yoruba and fluid pidgin. I had a bit of wahala piecing everything together, since I’m an Undiluted Igbo gal from the in the interior of Anambra state) and this was what she had to say:

I was on my desk in the office very happily trying to figure out the turn which my life will take next, no sooner had I gotten to the interesting part where I have my kids (twins actually)  strolling through the park of either Pennsauken in New Jersey or Queens street in London. Than my phone rings, and guess who, MR. ENDOWED      calls, (this is what she calls her Boyfriend) and he asks me if I would like to spend the public holiday which comes with 2 extra days off work which makes it 3 working days plus the weekend with him, I happily agree to this, because work was suddenly becoming seriously monotonous and annoying. (Secretly I was wishing that he would finally pop the question, ahn ahn five years no be child’s play, and as my Oyinbo people will say, my biological clock is seriously ticking fast), I get so excited about the whole thing, that I decide to feign severe menstrual cramps, since work was even kind of slow, I felt no conscience prick me, as I leave the office with my house on my mind, thinking of what to pack for this 5 day impromptu vacation, but first I have to stop at the spa and get the long overdue monstrosity of hairs which have decided to settle on my legs and my bikini area, (at least if this kind of hair was found on my head, it would have been a major advantage to my pocket, and I wouldn’t have to spend such huge amounts on my weaves) and also I have to get those Overtly sexy lingerie which I saw in the Bras and Pants shop, this was a great excuse to finally splurge on something nice and not feel guilty about it.

I got my things ready. And drove straight to his place, wanting to cook something really good, this I do and after a while I decide to use the Jacuzzi soaking in the bath salts and other Mede Mede which I know makes the skin very soft to touch with Kenny Rogers playing in the background, I couldn’t wish for a better way to end my day I think to myself, while sighing with pure contentment.

This is when I hear the key turn in the lock.

By this time I smile to myself, because I know it’s going to be a good night.

To cut the long story short, we had a long blissful and extremely fun time together, and I was still hopeful that he would pop the question, if you see the way I was sweeping and cleaning, you would think that I was on my way to winning an award for the best house keeper, but what I was really doing was to see if the long awaited ring was hidden somewhere In the house, but much to my disappointment, I didn’t find anything.

Finally it’s time for me to leave, and I’m on the couch snuggling on him, still expecting a question, in fact ehn at that point I wanted to smack him head on with a bible and ask him myself, if he didn’t Have a clue.................no sooner had I thought this, that he sits up and says he wants to ask me a question, and also tell me something, at this point I sit up with alacrity and with a smile pasted on my face I thank all the gods that I can think of, then he says with a slightly serious look on his face “I have decided to join the convent, because that was my dead fathers last wish”, I felt as if I had been dealt a terrible blow at the back of my chest, and then I burst out laughing, thinking it was some kind of huge joke. As I look at him more closely, I realize that he is dead serious, all I can do at that point in time, was to give him the dirtiest slap ever, can you imagine the cheek of it? You want to be a reverend father and you have been GBENSHING me for the past 5 years? My God will punish you, he will make sure you don’t see good in life, the kind of curses that run through my mouth for him were endless, I was surprised at the dexterity of my anger, but surprisingly I didn’t shed a single tear, I guess I was too shocked to even think. How I got home that day in my car, was a miracle, because I wasn’t even seeing the road, my mind was in turmoil, my head felt like it was about to burst, normally I would have begged him to rethink his decision and consider me, seeing as I was in my mid-thirties already. To cut the long story short, na so I dey relationship of 5 years and na so I carry hand for head come out, which kind life be that?

The truth be told, I was speechless when she told me this story, I thought this only happened in the Nollywood kind of drama which I watch on Satellite. But this happened to my friend and I know this isn’t no fairy tale, because me self I know the Idiota bobo very well and the thought of him going into the convent left me totally flummoxed, how on earth does a known player who decided to change after meeting my friend,whom he dated for five years,finally decide to go in to a convent seeing as he is already 40 years old? (and please, isn’t there a rule that says we should be chaste and pure and all that stuff before going into marriage with the lord?, please I need to be put correct on this, because I’m not so sure)

Please this is a little side note to my chickas out there, I think we should know serious men when we see them, if we have been going out for 2 years self, and I’m talking, when you are with the person who you feel you can spend the rest of your life with, then please, please, please and please, if the dude isn’t showing signs of trying to be a good and reasonable dude and by this I mean, someone who is showing signs of passing the marriage ability test, then by all means puhhhhhlease pack your bag and baggage’s, take off your shoes, put them under your arms and run for your dear life because that man will only milk you till you are high and dry and left for the vultures of hatred to pick on you till you are a loveless, hatred filled Cruela d’eville  poisoning the hearts of many young girls on the kind of man they choose for themselves, and then the people of the world who don’t know what had gone on before will tag her A FEMINIST.

I had a long talk with one of my male friends about this same issue, and he said “We know if we can marry a babe once we see her, I could be an item with a babe for as long as 3 years or more and still not marry her, the truth is that the said girl could be a very  good girlfriend material”(at this point im wondering to myself, what in heaven’s name is  girlfriend material?, so I can be good for a girlfriend but not wife material? I shake my head sadly at this)

So what I can deduce from this convo. Is that he would suck the lady till she’s as fat as Smiggle in the Lord of the Rings? (Remember the movie?) Mehn this was a real eye opener to me, but my question now is, “if you enjoy cheese so much, why don’t you buy the Damn cow?