Wednesday, 26 August 2015
Thursday, 22 August 2013
DIVORCE (this is to show that it does not have to be anything major before divorce happens, there is only so much a woman can take) My name is Bernice and I will just get to the business of it. I would describe myself as a free spirit, who simply means an uninhibited person or in plainer English an independent person, so I have never been a clingy female; in fact clingy females disgust me to no end.
Let me tell you a little bit about my kind of person. I am a woman in all ramifications of the word, richly endowed in the right places, looking good is a necessity, smelling heavenly is mandatory, and putting things in their right position is the way to go. On work days I'm all covered up in the right places with good work shoes and moderate makeup on while on Fridays I love to let my hair down, cleaveage exposed, six inch heels and with the reddest of lips, swaying my hips to the latest jam. You would never see me in party shoes or clothes on a Sunday morning; neither would you see a lot of flesh covered on a Friday night. Yes, this is me in summary and I expect you to love me for who I am.
The marriage was far from it; Eric (my husband) did every single thing wrong. He would always press the tube of the toothpaste from the middle, drop a large black, green or brown lump of excreta depending on whatever we had the night before in the toilet bowl and would just walk away as though he was from the lineage of Lot who God told not to look back in the bible. When he urinates, it is as though he is playing basketball with his penis and his urine with the toilet bowl as his target. yes i can imagine the look of disgust on your face but believe me it is better imagines than experienced. Just imagine this... rushing into the toilet with your bladder almost bursting, of course You do not look where you are going because your bum instinctively knows where to sit and immediately your behind hits the toilet sit you realize that you are sitting on something wet while the smell of stale urine hits you full force. I haven’t even gotten to the snoring part. Anyway to keep my sanity I had to do something, I had even called my lawyer friend to ask for how long I could stay in prison if I mistakenly killed someone, but the response wasn’t even nice at all. Do you even know I considered going to a traditionalist in search of a more PERMANENT CURE. My best bet at the end of the day was to settle for a divorce, I never doubted his love for me o, but abeg before I use person pikin take learn how to do sacrifice, make I just jejely leave am biko. It hurt me, but I had to keep myself sane!!
That is how my marriage which hadn't even lasted a year ended in an ugly divorce....what do i blame my OCD? or My Husbands Disgusting actions????
Friday, 10 August 2012
*stretches, gives a very wide yawn with my broom on my right hand; proceeds to sweep the cobwebs, anthills and wasp houses which have somehow accumulated on this space, whistling and shaking my bom-bom to Owigiri (local Igbo music). Proceeds to bring out my local chewing stick from the other side of my wrapper...........in fact let me stop here before I finally bring my bride price which has been on a steady depreciating level, thanks to the sort of rubbish unladylike things I do sometimes*
Now unto more serious issues, I am here wondering what it is that I could talk about after this EXTRA LONG HIATUS Disappearance, which by the way I'm Extra sorry for, fast forward to three hours later and I'm still here staring blankly at my laptop and still don’t know what to talk about, so this post will probably turn into a rant.
I have lived over 2 decades on this earth and some things just baffle the heaven out of me, I cannot for the life of me understand how a girl who is already 17yrs old cannot cook. SEVENfriggingTEEN????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now how does that work? I mean I might try to understand when the girl is still a little bit confused as to if to put the ogiri straight into the pot or if she should liquidize it before putting into the Oha-soup, or when she does not know how to cook those very local delicacies which only our grand mums know how to make; but then when a girl of that age doesn’t know how to boil rice, I think that one is bothering on senility, I mean come on, THINGS LIKE YAM, RICE, BEANS, NOODLES, POTATO, PLANTAIN, SPAGHETTI are not rocket science now, Haba!!! By now I'm sure you are wondering why I'm taking this really personal, but an incident happened recently at the home front and it not just affected me mentally but it damn near gave me THE MOTHER OF ALL ULCERS.
I come back from work extremely exhausted, famished, tired, weak, frail, feeble, in fact insert all the words you can think of which would explain tiredness (you catch my drift now) prior to my coming back I got a call from my cousin asking if I wanted her to prepare anything special for me for dinner ( at this point I'm thanking Jehovah jireh for this, because apart from the very tiring day that I have had, MRS OGA (Menstruation) decided to show up, and unlike my friends to say that I have a painful menstruation is to put it mildly, I have excruciatingly painful pain which comes in three dimensions; it starts with my waist, then moves unto my back and finally settles on my stomach; so all I had on my mind was a hot bath and a hot water bottle resting on my abdomen, then maybe a cup of tea at the end of the day before I finally go to bed, so food wasn’t even a part of my agenda, this was one of those days when you realize you are so tired to even eat, so this was the mood I was in jejely, when nothing short of an evil spirit entered this cousin of mine to ask for what I would eat, I thought this was really nice of her, so I just told her to boil rice for me and warm the fish pepper soup which was already in the freezer, after giving this instruction I smile contentedly while limping in pain because for some reason the pain has somehow affected my knee (story of my life, sometimes I just wish I could be unconscious for the bleeding days).
I finally get home and I'm expecting piping hot fish pepper soup with rice by the side, but I get the ELA Shock of life when I see beloved Coz of mine watching Keeping Up with The Kardashians, I almost loose it here, because I'm in so much pain and I really have low tolerance level for pain, not to talk of when the pain is laced with disappointment; as if in agreement to my feeling my tummy makes a really Loud noise announcing that it has been neglected for a while, at this point I dejectedly walk into my room. Fast forward to an hour and I’d already had my bath and I'm on my bed with the hot-water-bottle sitting happily on my stomach, still waiting for the food to be brought to my room; this is when I hear a knock on my door and hear her voice asking “Should I wait for the pot to be hot before I put the rice or should I just put the rice and water and magi in the pot and put on the fire?” at this point I swear I could feel fire come out of my ears, and what I say sounds somewhat like this “whstvgdghuilhshshshggfbjbj” and the look on my face cannot be explained, it’s a mixture of disbelief + Anger + Shock + Weakness + Astonishment = BEWILDERSHOCK ( I know there is no word like this, but when you add all that up, this is what you get?) . Sarcastically I tell her to put the pot in the oven if she doesn’t know what to do with the rice, and while she’s at it she should not only put maggi in the rice but also rosemary and Nutmeg.
I didn’t even know that I had slept off, till the smell of something burning woke me up, I jump up with alacrity while grabbing my laptop bag which is the first thing iv programmed my mind to reach for once my brain senses danger; in this bag I have my I-PAD, LAPTOP, EXTRA WALLET, MASTERCARD AND OTHER IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS.(I had to put this bag at a very vantage point, in-case of any emergency; I had had a very bad scare at some time in my life which is why I'm always prepared for any wahala, I’d talk about this later in a different post) As I flee out of the house shouting FIRE!! With my laptop bag strapped on my back, without slippers and a bleeding bladder, thanks to my condition I wore a complete pyjama. As I stop to catch my breath, I hear running footsteps behind me and I don’t even stop to look I just enter gear three with my legs while clutching my belongings; it wasn’t until I got to the main gate, that Adamu (the gateman) rushes out with a confused look on his face asking what is wrong, this is when I turn and see my parents, cousin and siblings looking confused also, and I'm wondering if they didn’t smell the smoke, I mean, I know my imagination can be hyperactive, but I couldn’t possibly have imagined the smell of something burning. We all finally get to calm down and I find out that my cousin did exactly what I told her to do, she did everything to the letter even to the point of borrowing Nutmeg from our neighbour because we had run out of ours, and she burnt the pot to the point of uselessness, need I talk about the state of the rice? At this juncture I'm evidently too weak to think of what to say. But the beginning and end of this long story is that MY 17YR OLD COUSIN CANNOT BOIL RICE!!!!!
I started cooking at the age of twelve, and I had four siblings at this time; so at that age I had mastered the art of MULTITASKING, what with carrying the baby, washing napkins (which I absolutely abhorred) going to school, homework, playing, watching television, normal morning chores et al. Oh yeah and lest I forget the occasional punishment and flogging which comes with growing up. I tell you children of these days have it really easy, then when Mum was teaching me how to cook, it came with the warning of how no man would marry me if I didn’t know how to cook well, this brought about the added gusto to my cooking abilities. I shake my head at the children of this generation........... :’(
Something else which is quite hard for me to wrap my head around is the LEVEL OF STUPIDITY which has somehow melted the little good sense which I thought my Nigerian people had. Two days ago I got a broadcast telling people not to wear red because if you do, death will be the consequence; obviously this is supposed to be a joke, so I tweet something as to how I won’t only wear one shade of RED but all Shades of RED and I would be so Red that Sango would be envious of me, Anamachikwanu. This was a tweet which was twitted in good light oo, and someone decided to carry it on his head to preach to me about the consequences of not listening to the warnings of the WISE. (Insert bbm confused smiley here) how the hell has what we wear got to do with anything? I mean is this why we are here? I just reply him saying that “I FEEL ETHICLLY BOUND TO KILL HIM, BECAUSE THIS LEVEL OF STUPIDITY CAN BE CONTAGIOUS” and he replies asking if I'm wearing Red as we speak, to this I answer in the affirmative, and he replies saying that it is because of the RED I'm wearing, thats why I'm suddenly violent. (X_x) At this point I can only conclude that the world is definitely coming to an END, and QUICKLY too.
There are other things which make me wonder are quite numerous such as WOMEN CHEATING ON THEIR PARTNERS AND FLAUNTING IT, I mean we have married women cheating and people not saying anything about it but rather telling them to go on as though nothing was wrong with it, and don’t get me wrong here I'm not saying it is okay for men to cheat either but I just believe it is a TABOO for women to cheat and think nothing about it.
Okay its time I drop my mic * ties wrapper well and does the douggie out*
Saturday, 16 June 2012
MY BODY MY RULES.........................................................
Will post something real quick about this as soon as i'm done with my exams......
watch this space...!!!!
Sunday, 3 June 2012
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Tuesday, 27 March 2012
Friday, 25 November 2011
Choi, I cannot believe that its been over three months since I blogged!!!!!
I don't even know how to start begging for forgiveness ehnn...(on my knees) oooh did I hear stand up? Oohh my people (now smiling) I knew you all would come around to forgiving me....okay moving on,
Not a lot has even happened in my life since then self, (ok, apart from the fact that I had valicera and malaria, which has left me looking like spotty in Super ted) one would think that when I finally get to blog on something I would have plenty gist, but I no go lie, my life has been full of reading, studying, being sick and my out of school work......................this hasn't been easy in any way.
In other news 4 very spectacular things happened in my life,
1. I finally got my I-PAD 2 (Nke abuo) #now dancing alanta# iv been postponing this forever.
2. Got an invite to see the wonderment of Dubai for 5 days and I get to stay in that 8th wonder of the world hotel #now dies#
3. Got another invite to visit South-Africa for 3 days
4. And another one to the calabar carnival which lasts for the whole of the month of December.
All these blessings for me, and then I get to ask for anything, for my x-mas present (from my darling Uncle)................................................did I add that all these invite were from ndi- umu- nwoke? (The male gender).
This is where I am confused, cos I really dunno where to start receiving from, or even what to ask my uncle for, ideas please...........................................
*right hand on my chest* I promise to update as soon as I can get my lazy derriere outta the chair regularly as I can......
(Now running back to rehearsals.............................................)*see my old post on my life in school*