Friday, 10 August 2012



*stretches, gives a very wide yawn with my broom on my right hand; proceeds to sweep the cobwebs, anthills and wasp houses which have somehow accumulated on this space, whistling and shaking my bom-bom to Owigiri (local Igbo music). Proceeds to bring out my local chewing stick from the other side of my fact let me stop here before I finally bring my bride price which has been on a steady depreciating level, thanks to the sort of rubbish unladylike things I do sometimes*
Now unto more serious issues, I am here wondering what it is that I could talk about after this EXTRA LONG HIATUS Disappearance, which by the way I'm Extra sorry for, fast forward to three hours later and I'm still here staring blankly at my laptop and still don’t know what to talk about, so this post will probably turn into a rant.
I have lived over 2 decades on this earth and some things just baffle the heaven out of me, I cannot for the life of me understand how a girl who is already 17yrs old cannot cook. SEVENfriggingTEEN????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Now how does that work? I mean I might try to understand when the girl is still a little bit confused as to if to put the ogiri straight into the pot or if she should liquidize it before putting into the Oha-soup, or when she does not know how to cook those very local delicacies which only our grand mums know how to make; but then when a girl of that age doesn’t know how to boil rice, I think that one is bothering on senility, I mean come on, THINGS LIKE YAM, RICE, BEANS, NOODLES, POTATO, PLANTAIN, SPAGHETTI are not rocket science now, Haba!!! By now I'm sure you are wondering why I'm taking this really personal, but an incident happened recently at the home front and it not just affected me mentally but it damn near gave me THE MOTHER OF ALL ULCERS.
I come back from work extremely exhausted, famished, tired, weak, frail, feeble, in fact insert all the words you can think of which would explain tiredness (you catch my drift now) prior to my coming back I got a call from my cousin asking if I wanted her to prepare anything special for me for dinner ( at this point I'm thanking Jehovah jireh for this, because apart from the very tiring day that I have had, MRS OGA (Menstruation) decided to show up, and unlike my friends to say that I have a painful menstruation is to put it mildly, I have excruciatingly painful pain which comes in three dimensions; it starts with my waist, then moves unto my back and finally settles on my stomach; so all I had on my mind was a hot bath and a hot water bottle resting on my abdomen, then maybe a cup of tea at the end of the day before I finally go to bed, so food wasn’t even a part of my agenda, this was one of those days when you realize you are so tired to even eat, so this was the mood I was in jejely, when nothing short of an evil spirit entered this cousin of mine to ask for what I would eat, I thought this was really nice of her, so I just told her to boil rice for me and warm the fish pepper soup which was already in the freezer, after giving this instruction I smile contentedly while limping in pain because for some reason the pain has somehow affected my knee (story of my life, sometimes I just wish I could be unconscious for the bleeding days).
I finally get home and I'm expecting piping hot fish pepper soup with rice by the side, but I get the ELA Shock of life when I see beloved Coz of mine watching Keeping Up with The Kardashians, I almost loose it here, because I'm in so much pain and I really have low tolerance level for pain, not to talk of when the pain is laced with disappointment; as if in agreement to my feeling my tummy makes a really Loud noise announcing that it has been neglected for a while, at this point I dejectedly walk into my room. Fast forward to an hour and I’d already had my bath and I'm on my bed with the hot-water-bottle sitting happily on my stomach, still waiting for the food to be brought to my room; this is when I hear a knock on my door and hear her voice asking “Should I wait for the pot to be hot before I put the rice or should I just put the rice and water and magi in the pot and put on the fire?” at this point I swear I could feel fire come out of my ears, and what I say sounds somewhat like this “whstvgdghuilhshshshggfbjbj” and the look on my face cannot be explained, it’s a mixture of disbelief + Anger + Shock + Weakness + Astonishment = BEWILDERSHOCK ( I know there is no word like this, but when you add all that up, this is what you get?) . Sarcastically I tell her to put the pot in the oven if she doesn’t know what to do with the rice, and while she’s at it she should not only put maggi in the rice but also rosemary and Nutmeg.
I didn’t even know that I had slept off, till the smell of something burning woke me up, I jump up with alacrity while grabbing my laptop bag which is the first thing iv programmed my mind to reach for once my brain senses danger; in this bag I have my I-PAD, LAPTOP, EXTRA WALLET, MASTERCARD AND OTHER IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS.(I had to put this bag at a very vantage point, in-case of any emergency; I had had a very bad scare at some time in my life which is why I'm always prepared for any wahala, I’d talk about this later in a different post) As I flee out of the house shouting FIRE!! With my laptop bag strapped on my back, without slippers and a bleeding bladder, thanks to my condition I wore a complete pyjama. As I stop to catch my breath, I hear running footsteps behind me and I don’t even stop to look I just enter gear three with my legs while clutching my belongings; it wasn’t until I got to the main gate, that Adamu (the gateman) rushes out with a confused look on his face asking what is wrong, this is when I turn and see my parents, cousin and siblings looking confused also, and I'm wondering if they didn’t smell the smoke, I mean, I know my imagination can be hyperactive, but I couldn’t possibly have imagined the smell of something burning. We all finally get to calm down and I find out that my cousin did exactly what I told her to do, she did everything to the letter even to the point of borrowing Nutmeg from our neighbour because we had run out of ours, and she burnt the pot to the point of uselessness, need I talk about the state of the rice? At this juncture I'm evidently too weak to think of what to say. But the beginning and end of this long story is that MY 17YR OLD COUSIN CANNOT BOIL RICE!!!!!
I started cooking at the age of twelve, and I had four siblings at this time; so at that age I had mastered the art of MULTITASKING, what with carrying the baby, washing napkins (which I absolutely abhorred) going to school, homework, playing, watching television, normal morning chores et al. Oh yeah and lest I forget the occasional punishment and flogging which comes with growing up. I tell you children of these days have it really easy, then when Mum was teaching me how to cook, it came with the warning of how no man would marry me if I didn’t know how to cook well, this brought about the added gusto to my cooking abilities. I shake my head at the children of this generation........... :’(

Something else which is quite hard for me to wrap my head around is the LEVEL OF STUPIDITY which has somehow melted the little good sense which I thought my Nigerian people had. Two days ago I got a broadcast telling people not to wear red because if you do, death will be the consequence; obviously this is supposed to be a joke, so I tweet something as to how I won’t only wear one shade of RED but all Shades of RED and I would be so Red that Sango would be envious of me, Anamachikwanu. This was a tweet which was twitted in good light oo, and someone decided to carry it on his head to preach to me about the consequences of not listening to the warnings of the WISE. (Insert bbm confused smiley here) how the hell has what we wear got to do with anything? I mean is this why we are here? I just reply him saying that “I FEEL ETHICLLY BOUND TO KILL HIM, BECAUSE THIS LEVEL OF STUPIDITY CAN BE CONTAGIOUS” and he replies asking if I'm wearing Red as we speak, to this I answer in the affirmative, and he replies saying that it is because of the RED I'm wearing, thats why I'm suddenly violent. (X_x) At this point I can only conclude that the world is definitely coming to an END, and QUICKLY too.

There are other things which make me wonder are quite numerous such as WOMEN CHEATING ON THEIR PARTNERS AND FLAUNTING IT, I mean we have married women cheating and people not saying anything about it but rather telling them to go on as though nothing was wrong with it, and don’t get me wrong here I'm not saying it is okay for men to cheat either but I just believe it is a TABOO for women to cheat and think nothing about it.
Okay its time I drop my mic * ties wrapper well and does the douggie out*
I'm OUT!!


  1. Lmao!!! This is so funny!
    Nice one dear...Me Likey!
    Very entertaining

  2. Lool...Nice one bayb...

  3. Nyc write up specialy d no wearin of red prt, it hapnd at ma end tew. Thumbs up

  4. LOoooooL
    This your cousin sha..kai..odi kwa nma e pia 30lashes I swear...@ the age of 17 she dunno how 2 boil rice..issorai sha..@afamdeluxo

  5. Lol..this is nice...well done Bayb

  6. ~~=))ha=))ha=))ha=))~~ !!!! True word my sister! Great piece.

  7. ~~=))ha=))ha=))ha=))~~ !!!! True word sis.

  8. Lmaoo. You're so hilarious! And such an animated writer. Love it!!

  9. Well am not really shocked that ur 17 yr old cousin cnt boil rice o cuz dat has become d order of d a 29 yr old cousin who is jst learnin hw 2 cook cuz shez gettin married in a few mnths.God help us o...

  10. Gimme a minute, I'll drop a comment, I just need to quickly forward this petition to the national assembly to pass a bill to allow for grading and certification for xtra Stupid people.

    Absolutely BIWILDERSHOCK-ing

  11. "...whistling and shaking my bombom to owigiri..." This just made me have an image of fresh palmwine and roasted meat in Owerri.
    Okwa dis ya mouth?!?! I once told you that your mouth can make someone go off 3rd Mainland Bridge, all you need to do is SPEAK!
    Welcome back, another KWALEETEE post!

  12. @ S :) thanks love

    @Kemmy YOU SAY????? 29??? *smh*

    @Yeni LOL (I guess we just added another word to our growing vocab.)

    @Wale LOL@ fresh palmwine and roasted meat Owerri style.....and as for my mouth, well na d truth I dey speak!! :)

  13. Lmao! Nutty girl. Chinua u no well at all. But nice one dear! Really laffed off tiredness! Hehehehehehe

  14. @ Anon. Thankful I could make you laugh!!!

  15. I fell down laughing πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚. See somebody's most priced possession lol... The fire shout and picking race with laptop was so funny. .